On the other hand.....Mike and I are in a bit of a rut. I got my feelings hurt yesterday and I lashed out him saying ridiculous things. I just went out of my mind with self consciousness and taking his comment too much to heart (esp after reading what real problems are out there in the world). I wish I didn't feel so self conscious and like I need to keep his attention so he stops downloading porn of younger girls (hopefully legal). It hurts my feelings and makes me feel like I am not enough. I do not need to look at other men naked. I don't want to. I love Mike. I do not desire others and the idea of him thinking about other women while we're together is pretty sad to me and it hurts my feelings. David was the only guy who didn't need to seek other women's images or their company while he was with me. I took that for granted. I thought Mike was like that based on what he told me, but it was not true what he said. That makes me feel tricked. He probably thinks that I have schizoaffective disorder and need him because I can't get anyone else. That's wrong. When I met him, I had 3 people interested in dating me. I will not tolerate too much more shit. I will leave in a heartbeat if he cheats on me. I will leave if he gets in a computer dating service and has intimate phone or email messages. I just want him if he's a decent guy.

I wish I had not been mean in our argument. I am such a B! sometimes. When I feel less than, I get a knee jerk angry reaction. It's painful to feel so unattractive. I used to model, I used to be a good dresser, I used to have self esteem and like who I was. I wish I were teaching again.

Anyhow I hope Mike gets a job because his full time job is probably going to end soon. He doesn't seem to be that interested in getting another job immediately. I'm so afraid of being without a job. And he has not been withholding taxes out of his paycheck again this year (like like year and we owe a small fortune). I need the taxes paid off so I can apply for financial aid and go back to school should my insurance stop. I might just like to go back to get some more skills. I don't know that I could pass the GRE again, so I don't think I can finish my PhD. I don't know if I have it in me to do. I wish I was more capable of doing things and completing goals like I used to be able to do. Now, I just tread water and try not to rock the boat too much.

I hope Mike and I start getting along. He said that he is going to keep the text messages I sent that I am ashamed of to remember "who I really am". How wrong. He just wants to feel bad. I'm starting to see "who he really is" too. He used to love and respect and be nice to me. Now he is losing his affections and is less caring towards me. He stopped bringing me flowers and stopped a lot of things in the bedroom. I guess
he just wants to feel anger over and over from that argument I'm ashamed I caused from overreacting to his insensitive comment to me. I am sorry.
Everyone makes mistakes.

I've been awake all night upset with how I acted yesterday while he tried to work with a sponsee. I feel like a failure sometimes. I wish I never did mean or stupid things, but I do. And it hurts afterwards. And now his feelings are changing. He doesn't love me like he used to and he is going to keep that argument in mind to throw up in my face sometime in the future or just to justify something he does in the future....call it downloading yound girls in porn because I was a B!....Yeah yeah, ya see, I deserved it.....