I'm going to start visualizing myself at happier times and apply those visualizations to my current life. I think I forgot how to appreciate the smaller things in life and forget about the smaller crap currently in my life.

One thing that used to keep me grounded and from crying uncontrollably about the state of the world (i.e. soldiers, bombs, starvation, rape, etc.) was to do the best that I can at the time that I was living (i.e. not eating meat, being kind to people, donating time to Big/Brothers Big/Sisters, donating time to the West Lafayette Environmental Commission, etc.). Those things can be insignificant to me, or I can think about what those things did to change one small pocket of the Earth. The daylilies that David, I, and my old StepDad planted in sone of the West Lafayette medians look lovely as people drive to the mall or to work or to wherever.

I need to remember these things, and I know I can get as involved as I want. Being a hermit made me feel pain, and I know that getting out there will be much, much better for me and the world. I need to be less me-centered and think more globally. I'm getting there one step at a time--it's this impatience to see immediate results that sometimes hinders/depresses me. If I'm depressed and out of commission, I hurt others who could be happier and perhaps doing more for their community.

Reviewing my diary has shown me that I swing back and forth between happy, elated, sad, and horribly miserable. One goal of mine is to take a step back and refocus. My lens has been broken, fixed, broken, fixed; at least I can see that, and I can start to repair the damage/harm that I've done to my body, brain, and to loved ones. To everyone I have hurt, I am sorry. I think as an exercise I will write letters of sincere apologies to those I have hurt--I don't know if sending them off in the mail is the best of ideas, but maybe.