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Lonely, heartbroken, and stricken with selfishness
2008-07-27 @ 2:27 a.m.
My cell phone doesn't work Now, my family situation that is hurting me.....My Dad had me committed because I was crying all the time, shopping of Meijers, and sleeping at irregular intervals. My sister won't talk to me, so I was crying, and my Dad has no idea how to speak to me or calm me down. I feel like a loser and almost want to die so my sister hears through my autopsy that I was trying to protect her. But, that is my selfish and stupid thought. I want to live. I am so fucking scared and feel like no one cares--this is stupid too because they'd care if I opened up. I don't want my family to know my illness because I don't want them to worry about me. And yet I do want them to care and to talk to me--so I am selfish by not telling them what I know and for not fixing my cell phone in a more timing manner. My sister thinks I lied to her, but I downplayed what the doctor told me. Also, having fucking three different neurologists give three different opinions doesn't help me either. My family thinks I'm wishy-washy! I told them my first diagnosis and now my sister won't speak to me. Damnit, I'm crying again.
I love my sis and my family. What do I do to tell them I need them without freaking them out or worrying them???? Having something wrong with my brain really wrecks me! I spent years in college to have an illness that I am trying to hide from my family to protect them. In March, I didn't tell anyone that I miscarried in my family except my Dad. I assume he told my mother, but no one talks to me about it. God, I want a hug.
No one wished me happy birthday. My bofriend didn't give me a present, make me food, watch a film, nothing. I didn't get a card. My sister (I saw later in the week) wished me happy birthday on myspace (which I don't regularly check but did in hopes that she said something to me. The 18-year-old who used to live here offered to take me to the movies because he saw me crying. I am sure people are sick of seeing me cry all the time. He told me to wake my boyfriend up and ask him to watch a movie with me. My boyfriend said no--this was 9 p.m.! and I felt sorry for myself for 12 hours. I am sick of thinking so selfishly all the time. I am sad, depressed, ill. No wonder my family doesn't want to speak to me. I try to be positive, but it's hard when I feel so ill so frequently. My boyfriend shakes, has medical issues, etc., and I take care of him--feeding him, driving, shopping, etc., but I love him. I just feel like I need cared for.
I'm feeling so many emotions....especially ignored, a bit unloved, and a lot like I'm scared and want my friends and family to step up. I love them, but I don't want to tell them about my two heart attacks and stroke. My dad knows about my heart attack and stroke because he was in the rom when they committed me and got to hear what the AZ doctor faxed to IN doctor.
I was sent to the mental hospital to wait a nearly two weeks.
My left arm was so black and blue and yellow and sore. My left hand and arm feel numb and tingly. I don't know if the numbness and tingly sensation is a symptom of a bleed from my aneurysm or from all the trauma endured a couple of months ago.I have appointments to see a nuerosugeon and a radiologist specialist next week. I am very scared.
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