So um. I'm out of the house with Chris and the 7 other folks who all shared a bath in Mesa, but I'm getting kicked out of my apartment because of some dumbass things Tuesday. I am currently without a permanent residence but I have a place that I've been hanging out and I might stay here.

I wish my heart and head were easy to understand. I feel sick for the person who tries to make sense of the whole mess. This year has left me and some others with fragile hearts and minds. I am ashamed and yet I'm sorta proud that I might be pulling out of a dark spot in life.

My life choices have been pretty bad to say the least. I don't let people get close. I get so scared. I hurt people I care about in this terrible process and I am in pain myself. My sister won't speak with me, I've had serious health problems, run ins with substances, mental issues, losing touch with everything and everyone that matters, not being honest, hurting loved ones, and cleaning my ass up. Fuckinghell it's all I can do to stay sober and sane right now.

I need goals. I might have found a friend and I need to know who and how to trust. I mean how do I know who to trust????

This is all riddles and not really sounding all that honest, but it's so fucking hard to be open. I am in the fetal position incognito. People see or they don't, and I'm just not sure. I don't know who my friends are, whose using me, what to do to help myself, etc.

I need to start asking and seeking the right help and doing the right thing. I have run out of money. I have loaned, given, and practically burned money in the past year (two really), and it's all I can do to keep my goddamned heart from exploding with all these details.

I need to find a place to move to tomorrow. I should ask D, but I dropped my fucking phone in the tub 2 times in July and lost all my numbers AGAIN like a dumbfuckingasshole and do not have it in me to cry out for another phone number round up.

I hope my new friend doesn't end up going to jail for some really stupid things that he shouldn't be going for. I'm scared of the police at this point because it seems that they are part of a system that doesn't care. It's a cog that needs to be fed and the cog needs money if it doesn't spit you out. Agh.

I'm having mental troubles and my heart hurts. I've started going to NA or some group at my mental health facility. It's a group where we sit around and admit we're powerless to shit I don't exactly think I'm "powerless" over. I'm over it right now. I guess it's going to haunt me and all. I don't want to listen to people's stories of failure. I've been there, failed, and I need to pull up and out.

The highlight of my time back in AZ has been attending the Rocky Horror Picture show last night with a Sweetie. I'd like to make it a habit to hang out more there and maybe do the show. My self esteem has been so crap lately though.

33 is full of life though. I can make this a year that I look back on with a lot of triumphs....but it scares me that I can fail or worse....really fuck up.

I know it might be paranoia, but I feel eyes on me. Maybe it's my own judging set that hurt so.

I'm so fucking sorry that I hurt my dearest C by moving out and in with F. Now I'm out of there and might be putting shit in storage. I gdon't know. I want to not be sober, but I will not hurt myself. I want to do the right thing.