Waking up with Dan is lovely, and I am glad that he doesn't live with me. He wanted to move in at first, but I think it would have ruined the whole thing. I like waking up to go to the bathroom and seeing him sleep, and when he hits snooze 5 times I don't want to kill him. But it does get me up for the day after not enough sleep. See, I work 2nd shift for the sleep benefits. Now, though, I have vision, health, life, disability, and dental insurance!!!

So, I'm pretty sure that Dan and I won't work out because things just don't do that. If they do go that way, I would be sure to sabotage it. I'm good at fucking my life up, whining about it, fixing it, and starting over. Then fucking it up again. I just like being around Dan; he puts my soul at ease, and at ease it usually is NOT. I'm tightly wound, and he sings and laughs and speaks to me in German.

So, the professor at school that I liked is such a player. He has 3 women at one time, and he'd take on another fuck buddy. I have too many buddies. REM S might be in that rhelm. Although RS is someone I cared about, and he just stopped calling and then he started calling again. And then he came for a surprise visit. See, this is where the sabotaging could come into play. Not knowing where Dan stands, I could date these other two fellas. But I don't want that. I don't want to be married to Dan; I just want to be near him and with him. I'm sure he needs to be "healed" or I wouldn't be with him. I don't want to pick broken people. RS is definitely broken is some way--some way that is a complete fucking mystery to me. In my mind I can say he's "complex." My mind says he is selfish and probably had a girl he was interested in for a month who dumped him and now he's back. I don't know.

And then there is the matter of Simon. I love him. There is no ridding myself of that. He is in my soul, and he knows me like no one ever has or ever will. And he's kind. And he helps me--why would he do that? He has no reason to. He's just that caring.

Dan gives me hope, and he's weird. And he sings and laughs, but I think inside he's crying and screaming. Something is wrong with him. He smokes A LOT of weed, and he's a smoker. It doesn't even bother me (except the health aspect of cigarettes b/c OF COURSE I care about his lungs, heart, bla, bla, bla) that he is a smoker. That used to be the deal breaker. But pot all the time indicates that he's self-medicating, and knowing people like I do, I can see something is wrong. He looks empty and hurt behind his songs, charming smile, and North Carolina accent.

This is a marathon entry, but I need to figure things out.

I am intense
I am in need
I am in pain
I am in love
I feel forsaken for the things I gave away.
I think those are the lyrics for blood and fire by Indigo Girls.

My mind and soul and free and I want to touch, smell, see, hear, and taste everything. I have to many things I'm interested in. I could go so many ways; my life isn't predictable, and that is why so many times I crack and why I'm hard to love.

I wish someone would love me for exactly who I am today and who I will become. I want someone to trust in me enough to know that I will not let him/her down in the future. I'll keep evolving and learning and trying.

I thought I had unconditional love with Simon. I should have married him, and maybe we'd have tried harder. Or maybe I wouldn't have evolved into this better person. I think we had to end it. It was a terrible relationship with two caring, loving people who did too much to the other one. I want to grow strong and healthy, and I want him to find the thing in life that will make him fulfilled. I just always thought that was me. Hehe.

I sound like I have regrets where I am today, but I don't. I have fears. I have the fear that I will not get over Sim. I am scared that Dan will not be capable of loving me. I don't want to go through life with a series of "buddies."

I have so little control, and I think I just need to realize that. I need to stop cleaning my house so much. I need to stop trying to go back to the weight I was before my thyroid was anialated (sp?).

I am happy with the classes I'm teaching. I am doing a good job and I think I'm learning how to be a better teacher and person weekly. I am happy working behavioral health and being a woman there for those women who like me there. And if I can inspire just one of them it would make me joyful.

I am happy with my haircut, my make up, my car, my home, my friends, and my health is so much better. I need to let the weight issue go, but it's so freaking hard.

I was happy with my appearance for a while there, but people kept telling me I was gross, anorexic, yada yada yada. I could eat whatever I wanted, I was running and training for a triathalon, and was eating pretty healthy meals. I could not set up a boundary for others to stop talking about my weight and making comments--especially my mom when I BEGGED her countless times to stop mentioning it. Now, I am in exercise hell, in poor shape, and my thyroid is dead and if I want to stop "growing" I need to take thyroid medication for my hypothyroid now. How's that for fucks sake?

God, I needed to get a lot off my chest. So, basically I need to get out more, trust in myself, and quit listening to others when they put me down. I need to pick a few careers, a few things to do and complete them. I don't need 10 majors and jobs at once. I should socialize a bit more, which I am doing better at, but I'm drinking too much when I do that.

I'm taking an anthropology class that I love so far, and I'm taking an edu 250 online course that is required for adjunct faculty to take. That reminds me....I have to go pick up my transcripts from school to prove I graduated.