Well, I don't know. I'm a little shaken to sleep. I am anxious, sick still, and confused. I guess I'm just not sure what I'm going to do next. If I sign my lease here tomorrow for a year I will be here until October of next year. Fuck. I don't know. Being sick sucks. Maybe it's me, or maybe it's the air in Arizona. Also, I felt odd this weekend after a strange "tiff" with Brad. I just get weird about some things. I do. Also, I have so much writing to get done and don't want to do it. Chet is trying to pull weird shit that I just cannot understand for the life of me. It makes me not want to trust people, and that's why I am never satisfied in relationships because I don't trust people. Then, I cannot feel safe with my feelings and my secrets. I want to be free. I am a friend that you can anything to and it's safe. I won't betray people, and I just want the same in return. Maybe I get too close to my friends, especially my male friends (as Berna would say, "What the hell do expect from them? No guy ever wants to be just friends!") Maybe she was right. I don't know. I just want to be trustworthy and trust other people. Berna is coming in next week and I have to plan (a little) for things. I am just a little stressed out. Damnit. I might get hammered tonight. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why am I in such a shitty mood? I don't have my papers graded and don't have a lesson planned for tomorrow. FUCK. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. I might sleep in tomorrow. I think Corey said that we could just skip 207 tomorrow and just grade. Maybe I'll do that. I just might. That makes me feel A little bit better. I have some paperwork that needs to be done tomorrow too. I go to the chiropractor's office tomorrow around 5, but I'm not too sure when. Well, I need to end this positively.....Brad is a great person to know and be with, at least Michael and I are friends again, Rocky is a cool officemate, Carol Lyn gave me some good info about Seattle, my cat didn't puke again on the floor, Berna is coming home, and I am hopefully going to feel better tomorrow. Typing helps.
Up, up, up, up, up, up, up
points the spiral from the steeple
God's work isn't done by god
It's done by people
---
Half of learning how to play
is learning what not to play
and she's learning the spaces she leaves
have their own things to say
and she's trying to sing just enough
so that the air around her moves
and make music like mercy that gives what it is
and has nothing to prove
