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diatribe on a bad mother....
2008-05-12 @ 10:15 a.m.
Godfuckingdamn. My self is breaking down. My mother and sister are not speaking to me. I asked my mom not to call because she's bad for my soul. She's negative and keeps calling me a liar. I told her that my brain scan showed lots of tumors. As it turns out, Ihad a stoke and minor heart attack. I have a serious illness and now dealing with Dad's filthy house (it's cluttered with dust, dust bunnies bigger than my cat, mice, lots of bed bugs, etc.) I'm so embarrassed to write that I have caught scabies and a few other things.
Please, please, please let Chris move out here. I asked Dad and this would make my life better. I cry and miss him everyday. I must explain something, and I feel like shit about this. I do sometimes lie. When I got the black eye....it was because I had a mouthfull of pills because I felt like causing a scene or dying. Chirs got put in jail because he grabbed me and grabbed my face to make me spit them out. I fought him and hurt HIM and hit the door and floor. He went to jaui and I will never be able to love him eough for his taking the blame. I lied to the police. He went to jail. I bailed him out and went to see the prosecutor and explained my actions. He didn't serve time, but it would have been felony assault. I'm so ashamed. Godfuckingdamned. I deserve to die.
And I might. I have amebiasis. It's in my brain and probably caused my heart attack. I have terrible bruising and my diabetes isn't on the swell side. My doctor wants me on humalog and lantus. I don't like shots. I hate it. People ask me for my fn==needles when they out, or they just steal tem for bathroom. K am falling asleep and typing with my eyes closed. My mania is cycling like it's in the tour de France. I haven't slept for 3 days. I have to sleep and get shit done.
I am depressed as hell. My mother gets me to move in with my dad and she's an hour away and doesn't bother with me. I think she's scared of the scabies.....she said worms aren't that bad because "Brook looked it up on the internet." Fuck Brook. Fuck the internet. Fuck mom for asking me if I was hallucinating. And fuck that fucking bitch for not being a good mother. She thinks scabies isn't that bad either. Neither is chiggers. Here's my brain....welcome to Massive nonencephalitic neurocysticercosis and my low potassium level may have caused my heart to cramp up. Thank God Chris saved my life.
I miss you Chris. I love. I am a wreck. I am so sad. My friends must think so little of me. My own sister doesn't call me or email me after I tried and tried. I wanted to tell her I was pregnant. I was excited. I was a little over two months along and my blood pressure shot up. I wanted to go visit her, but she wouldn't pick up the phone or email me. I have no one to talk to about this aside from Carissa and Chris, but Carissa is preggers and I don't want to upset her.
I am going to marry Chris. I smiled for the first time in 4 days thinking about him. I love him. He has parkinsen's disease and I think Dad thinks lowly of him. It causes him to be a bit schizophrenic or disassociative. I don't mind. When you find that love and that love loves you back....it feels great.
He saved my life twice, went to jail for me, forgave me, and now I'm asking Dad if he can move in here. I'm the fucking loser. Me. Loser. L.
If not, I might move back to AZ really soon. I might max out my ccars and then sleep for a very long time. I can't take my family alienating me. Mom tells everyone that I have multiple personality disorder. I don't have this you stupid fucking dumbass uneducated bitch. I'm sorry to use the word bitch. But she doesn't listen. She talks. She doesn't go to NAFI meetings or try to understand Bi-polar disorder. She calls my friends and then my friends think I'm weirder. She ruins every part of my life. She tells me negative stories about Dad, she didn't tell anyone when I was raped by three men on my birthday when I was in 7th grade, she spreads rumors and lies, she tells people my business, she stole my diaries from my house when I overdosed, and she makes me sad. She shits all over my dreams. She cannot say congrats.
I am going to tell mother that her daughter she talks to and believes in so much used to be a dancer. She can revel in that and think about Brook's "multiple personality disorder." You dumb psycho bitch who used to tell me almost daily that she wanted to die. I don't even know why I want to please her so much. She told me not to have kids because I'm too crazy. SHE IS FUCKING NUTS. I am angry. She also wants to know all my business like my meds. I told her I take the ones prescribed...she wants to know how to spell each one.
She doesn't know that I had a heart attack, stroke, and have diabetes. She is not trustworthy.
I am sorry that I learned to be a liar. I am trying to unlearn this. I'm truly embarrassed for my lie about Chris. I also lied to Simon about some things, but I told him the truth later. It's not a cool game.
I need help. I wish I knew my sister better. I feel too embarrassed to call my family. I am ashamed to call my friends. I am starting to feel like not wanting to live again.
I'm not suicidal. I just think that my mother and family could be more helpful.
I am going to ask dad his opinion on Chris now.
When I die and she finds out she called me a liar....I hope she remembers how she talked to me.
Wish me luck.
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