It's been one of those weeks where I am scared to death that I will be like "this" forever. It's so scary to be mentally ill, and I didn't think that I was "that" mentally ill. I was diagnosed SMI, but now I believe it. If I believe that, my hope is lost. I'm isolating. My phone is broken, so no one can get ahold of me. I need to fix it, but then it rings.... I'm scared to leave the house. It takes me hours to "psych" myself up to go somewhere. Art Awakenings is tomorrow, and I want to go. I need to sleep well though. I have to pick up a friend to go, so maybe that'll peer pressure me into going. I wonder if the world can see how miserable I'm doing. I'm not hanging out with my friends, and I'm afraid of not being invited to movies, etc after being so damned flaky.
Up and down
Up and down
see saw
I don't know if everything is going to be alright. My paranoia is so high. I'm terrified that my brain is being messed up with all the medicine I'm on. I'm scared not to take it too.
It's hard to love anyone when I cannot love myself. Things are difficult to do. My cat has no food, and his litter box is dirty. The dishes are piled high, and the floor is cluttered. My classes are not yet organized, and I am scared I cannot handle all this pressure.
I think part of it is the housing situation. I don't know how people make it on their own. Why the fuck does Simon make so much money for pricing things for various companies? I teach, and I make zilcho dinero. It is not enough to support a life that I will lead. Goddamned I hate living in fear. I'm so fucking scared.
I'm scared.
