I have baggage.

The love I find is painful, stressful, and tears. Cheating and ugliness. And answering phone calls and running errands, not getting to be myself, and resentment. I am a mommy, someone who will do everything and then some. I am taken advantage of because of my illnesses. Love is choking me and borrowing money from me. Love is never asking me how I feel, and I've learned to feel nothing unless it's very painful. I look for the person who can hurt me the most physically and spiritually; and I am told that they see me first because I'm easy prey.

I'm too used to this kind of love that I cannot let go. This is what I know.

This is depressing. I might remove it later.

Now I need to run Simon's fucking car into Mitzubishi. Mine needs to have it's oil changed, but THAT DOESN'T GOD DAMNED MATTER now does it? And mail in his fucking check to a guy playing Fantasy Football BECAUSE HE CAN'T FIND A FUCKING MAILBOX!!!! In Columbus, Ohio I know people get mail. It dawned on me--he doesn't have an envelope or a stamp and that would take time out of his PRECIOUS FUCKING DAY. Fuck!

I feel so empty and hurt inside. I need to feel, so where are the sharpest objects in my home?

My cat and art class are the only things keeping me alive. AND THE MEDS? At least I can sleep now.

I meant this entry to be short, but I guess I needed to vent. I cannot talk with Simon because "he's had a stressful 4 days of work." He doesn't believe how much time it takes to care for 4 houses, a pet, art class, running his car in, recycling, skeezing time in for me (not happening offen I promise!) grocery shopping, replacing things, cleaning, buying fucking postage stamps, reminding him to pay his bills, having to pay them after the reminder, and trying to prep for class. So far on prepping...well, I feel sorry for my students, and I haven't had time to. I have always been a good instructor; now with the meds, stress, and lack of prep I'm screwed. I really don't sit on my ass and eat all day while watching soaps; I don't have time for exercise, and people now think I am like the dead Carpenter girl. Fuck her. I'm eating. I am just doing a whole lot more in my day! Yesterday I ate at Dairy Queen, a BAG of Funyuns, and Taco Bell as my dinner. And drinks and snacks. What more can I do?????