I feel like I am losing Dennis. He is coming home to meet my Dad in three weeks, but he is so distant. He doesn't trust me. He has 10 years of sobriety and I don't. I have been in the program for 2 years now, and I'm cleaning up a lot of my wreckage but I do not have success in getting/staying close to a person. HOW DOES ONE DO THIS? How much is too little/too much to disclose? How does one let go and trust that things will go well or that I won't get hurt. Like now, how do I protect myself from getting hurt? He is less affectionate as of this past week, and he's been a bit barbed. I think he said "fuck" 30 times at work today. And work today....107 degrees and we were painting an exterior.
Maybe this is all normal; relationships go in cycles....sometimes my partner loves me and sometimes he's obtuse to my feelings.
Maybe I'm the one who is obtuse. I mean, definitely I am. I mean I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I am insecure, fearful of losing him, fearful of keeping him close, and fearful of not being close enough; I am just confused. He wants to get a dog.
I like animals.....they don't love you one minute and change their mind in the next.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is a nice idea. I want to be liked. I want to be loved.
I hate saying all these things. It makes me feel weak and a little bit stupid. I am working on understanding my feelings, and sometimes it is painful to gain insight into myself.
