Darrel grabbed me the last time I was in his apartment and threw me down bruising my ass. He scared me. I left and then he showed up over my house. I called Chris and he came over. I don't know what I am doing sometimes. Darrel pointed out that no one would believe me that he hurt me, and it's probably true since he used to scare me until I called the police, but he never actually beat me up or anything so I kept wasting the police's time. I cried wolf. I always knew he was capable in my heart. I just hoped it was my mental problems and all in my head. Maybe it was a one time deal. I don't know. I have a weird feeling that one day I'm going to trust the wrong person and that's going to be the death of me.

It's a rough rode being a drug addict. I had nearly nine months of sobriety and it's gone again. I'm afraid that I will not be able to get a job again.....that I'll never be able to teach at a university again. ...that I may not have my sister in my life. Or that I will die with a needle in my arm and disappoint everyone.

I love Dennis and do not ever want him to hurt.

I am home today with very little motivation to do anything besides sleep.

My car is dying and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel so fucking sorry for myself that I can barely breathe. I know things can get worse.