If I still worked at Christopher's Restaurant I could have walked to work. It's close enough to lots of other places that I could work at. I'm really looking forward to this move.

I quit my job last week and plan to get on with Dale in a couple of weeks and look forward to starting a new phase in life.

I'm no longer a complete loser, I'm employable, and I'm getting healthier physically and mentally.

I can get pregnant now.....for the next 5 months my fertility rate is high according to my surgeon/gyno. I don't know what to think about this.

I want to get my things at my Dad's house in Indiana. I just don't want to completely take advantage of my Dad's help and concern. Maybe a pod or I might fly back there and then drive back out here with a rental. I don't know. I'm really low on cash.

I want to make ammends back home.

Mom and I aren't getting along because I moved out of Solution when my doctor suspecte black mold and she wasn't more supportive of me. I want her on my side. She is so negative. I realize that this is a negative trait in myself and that is why it's almost intolerable to me. She really really pisses me off. It's like she is irratatingly ignorant and untrusting of me but it's persistant and predictable. Unsupportive. It feels like a betrayal and it brings up all these negative emotions. So much pain. She always wants to find someone to blame, and she usually blames me. And it hurts. And my response is anger and I'm not sympathic, and I'm told that I am supposed to forgive her because she is sick.

Fuck. I keep forgetting that.

I know I have to let go of all this negative emotions.

I sometimes feel lonely and I complain all the time to Dennis.

I have to talk to him about some things that are going to hurt him. I don't know what is going to happen but the baby issue is something on my mind.

My mother told me that I shouldn't have kids and that it just wouldn't be right. For some dumb reason I believed her. She hurts me so much.

I cannot believe my sister and mother sometimes. I don't know to express my hurt and frustrations.

They are both sick.

I know that I am a junkie-low life but I lived in a half way house for the past ten months working on my life and trying to change. All the pain from life I took it out on myself and ended up with a drug habit that I had to go to drastic measures to change. But I did it and I have a little more hope for my life.

MY MOTHER WAS WRONG telling me that I should never have kids. That affected me badly. I think I would have been way different had a had a baby earlier. Maybe I wouldn't have stuck a needle in my arm had that #$%^&Y not said that I'd be a bad mother. Maybe I'd have felt I had something to live for if she hadn't told me I shouldn't be a mother.

She told me I shouldn't go into art....she told me what I should major in....she MADE IT ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that I should be how she wanted or I'd be an absolute disappointment.

I ended up being having all the trates I hated most in my mother......esp the negativity. I feel unbelievably hurt and confused AND PISSED OFF.

I want to continue to change my life for the positive. I want to be less negative.

Darrel is fixing my car and we're talking again.

He loves me still.

I love him still.

It's a mess kinda.