I'm so depressed. I'm sitting at a computer terminal at the women's resource center back in AZ. I've realized I am not clear what has been fiction and what has been fact. Things are quite strange. My heart is being ripped apart and is fractured in so many ways. I loved a man who does not appear to love me or does so in such a sadistic manner that keeps me in a constant state of trying to please him. I never will. I feel all the will in my heart falling all over the floor and there are a few people here and there that are kind enough to try to cauderize the wounds....but alas I do not know how to accept their help or I accept the wrong kind of help.
I feel like a failure. I know I have so much potential but I have no drive left. My go has gone.
I know getting high will not be good so I will stay clean. I will not shoot any substance, as I realize that these were forms of self hatred and lack of self acceptance. NA and CoDa has helped in those respects.
Darrel gives me no schedule of events and shows me how little he regards me. I have such pain where I wish love would fill.
My god shaped hole was filled with tears, lack of direction, and extreme amounts of chocolate.
Maybe it's me. Maybe it was never the drugs.
I have really only ever really been in love with one man.....my ex husband. I've loved lots of men. The more they disregard me, the tighter I cling to them.
I met someone here that is kind. I ate his spaghetti. It had meat in it. I didn't want to insult him, and for some reason I just wanted to please him. Good lord. I had meat for the first time since 1991ish. I don't know why I do the things I do. It's confusing.
I'm less lonely when I'm in the kitchen here. It's a weird thing I'm feeling. Besides, my roommate says he likes her. He has the best, kindest eyes. He's smart. I'm sure that he's married or something.
I just feel alone. I mean, I'm supposed to be among "my people" which all these "low lives" around. I think everyone here is great and completely fucked. I am just the only person here who hears voices, even when the methamphetamine leaves the body.
I started smoking to fit in too. God damned I really do hate who I am.
I'm an alien. I was dropped off here as a joke. I must have been a real asshole in my other lives as well as this one.
God, so sorry. I'm a waste of paint.
