I still can't shake the feeling that Darrel is up to something. He just called me and told me that I could not call the police from his apartment no matter what or he'd be homeless. I told him if I didn't see weird things like blow torches and gasoline I wouldn't need to. I cannot help it. I wish I didn't have this paranoia about someone I love so dearly. I've sorted out my feelings and I do love him. I think he is more than meets the eye. He keeps saying he hates cops, and I don't believe him. He has racist music and it doesn't suit him. I just don't get it. I don't.

I will try not to use his computer while I'm at his house because that is one of the things that freaked me out. I didn't like the pictures of me and Denise and none of him. It was like he was trying to make the computer seem like it was mine. I don't understand.

Am I being manipulated? I love him for some reason. I am scared that anyone who loves me I'm going to distrust.

Staying clean has been my mission and I was clean and sober since the hospital, but I drank a few drinks. I had some test strips in my purse and wasn't drunk and I felt okay. I had a headache later and regret it. I'm still clean and have to forgive myself. I am not going to buy any more cigarettes. I'm so embarrassed. I just don't want to keep gaining weight from the food.

I did buy exercise equipment from Walmart the other night.

I'm back to being a night owl. The people across the street have a night owl too....as their lights are on upstairs. I'm lonely and wish I could find/make friends here. I just don't know how to trust people and don't trust myself in making them. I don't want to go back to using.

I'm going to AZ to a sober house. I'm going to Darrel's for at least a few days. I am then going to get into a sobriety home, try to find some sort of employment, go to meetings, and check myself into Maverick House.

What I have learned about so far and I need to think about it....if I hang out with people who have shady pasts, I fear that they are trying to set me up. My next door neighbor, who I miss--Linda, was always paranoid that David was going to frame her or she'd be blamed for his deeds. I don't think it is possible, but she said David could pay people to be witnesses for him or just give them drugs. That totally freaks me out. I don't want him to hurt me thinking that I have ever talked to the police about him. I haven't I don't want him to kill me as a potential witness, and I've had to cut off contact with Linda. I think I picked up her fears.

Darrel said he dropped out of school but yet he had all these books on psychology, sexual abuse (I wonder if he was molested too), wiring, etc., that seemed weird. It just freaks me out. I should just get over these fears, but it's hard. I don't think he understands my illness. Or, perhaps I have an even bigger paranoia problem.

This fear is unreal. I am embarrassed that the police ever came to the house because they didn't see anything suspicious so what's the problem. I shouldn't watch television shows and assume that these guys know how to "jam" phones and send in fake police officers. I'm a basketcase. I wish Darrel hadn't told me he was arrested for being the leader of a crime syndicate and that his plans were intricate. I try not to listen to details so I don't fear him. He's done his time and I think it's me that has the problem.

How do I get help? I want a relationship. I love this man who I can see has gone through suffering and pain. He has a mystery about him. He is naughty and writes dirty things to me. I don't see anything too wrong with that. Although one of his stories made me uncomfortable, but I think I have issues because of the rape. It's okay for him to engage in fantasy. I am trying to participate, but it's hard. I even wrote a dirty ending to his story that bothered me. I tried to make him happy.

I'm such a dork. I want him to like me. I want someone who I will be safe with. I love him. I don't like that people react badly to him because of his heighth and voice. Who fucking cares? I love both of those two things. He fits with me. I love him.

I am so embarrassed of this illness. Why do I feel like someone is trying to frame me or harm me? It is awful to feel things so strongly and intensely and know that it's probably not true. How does this happen? Will it go away?

I don't want to live like this and I tried to get rid of the pain with drugs and by being with people I'm not proud of. I feel like I was tossed around that house with Chris. I should have had more self respect. I stripped, was permiscuous, and acted out of character. My heart hurts.

I love so many people and I can't seem to love myself. I am so scared that my life isn't going to matter. I want to do something good in this world. Someone help me. I want to be loved. I want to do something to make the world better. I want the pain to go away. I want a healthy relationship and I want to make someone happy.

Locking my journal made me feel safer and I'm going to keep it locked. I need to get things out and this way I don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings or pissing someone off.

I do need to get a grip on the whole police thing. I trust police for the most part. Darrel keeps telling me that they are bad, and maybe that is making me feel less safe not just at his house, but in this world. I must keep reinforcing in my head that they make things safer and that most police are good, hard-working people.

I do understand he didn't get along with his Dad, who was a police officer. I think that he's hurt. Dallas says I have too many "wounded birds" and I seek them out/they find me, but I love Darrel.

Do I love him for the wrong reasons? I look up to him for being able to turn his life around after doing the right thing. He stopped or has slowed down his drug use. Carissa doesn't believe he quit, but he says he quit and I don't think he lies to me. He always encourages me to stay away from the needle and bad friends. He drove me to the hospital and visited me.

The things that bother me:
for as much as he works, he sure doesn't make much money and borrowed a lot and I've felt compelled to help and I helped too much. For that I am mad at myself. I cannot give my credit card up anymore. That hurts me and I'm no use to anyone else if I can't be good to me. I'm freaking upset that it's going to take forever to pay that off, but darn it I'll try....
Also, I don't feel I know the real him, but this is part of why I love him. I feel like I can help him as much as he helps me if he opens up. I want to make him feel loved. His wife abandoned him. I have felt abandoned and unloved, and I want to make him feel good. I hope we both can heal in each other's arms.
All his porn down-loading habits and stuff on the computer makes me uncomfortable. Not because I judge him or think there's something wrong with him, but because I don't want people to think that that's mine. I don't want my mom to see his stuff and dislike him for it. I'm open-minded but she's not so much.
I don't like that he knows so many former drug dealers, but I know his past and I have to get over things. These people are who he trusts, so I shouldn't have a problem with them.

I've lied to him and told him the truth about things. I need to see if:
he is trustworthy
if he makes me feel belittled, I must leave
if he loves me

This all sounds so corny. I wonder if he'll go to counselling with me. I wonder if I am nuts. I am so scared. I wish I had a hug right now. I should hug my Dad, he's usually a night owl too. I am too scared to let him know how much depression I have. I don't want my friends and family to have to be so stressed out.

I wish I had more good things to type about but now I ramble on about fears. I have another site that I try to express my positive thoughts and ways too make life better.

For all the bad things I have done and all the "bad" people who are in my life, I have understanding and empathy for those who have had things happen to them. These "bad" people didn't have the best lives growing up and so? Are these people just "evil"? I hope that I'm not wrong. I believe that no one should give up on anyone.

I need to go to bed, but I think the nicotine is keeping me awake. I keep wanting to snack, but I'm trying to lose a little weight before Darrel sees me. I want to fit into a few pairs of jeans.

I don't want to keep shopping on eBay. I think that this is part of my bipolar disorder. I need to talk to my doctor about it.

I hate being in insurance limbo. If I am nuts, I will check myself into long-term care. I have such horrible panic attacks now.

I wish my mother and sister didn't think so badly of me and I had them to talk to. My sister was someone I know I could trust. I don't have too many trustworthy people in my life.

My Dad is going to have his life longetivty shortened if I keep making him stressed out. I need to be able to open up to more people. I need to apply more of the coping strategies in the hospital.