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I hope my swearjar accepts VISA
2009-01-07 @ 7:19 p.m.

My new computer came last night and the screen doesn't work. That sucks and I am a bit depressed about it.

You can't depend on anything really.

However, I am feeling happy and looking forward to being with Darrel. I love the guy and my psych symptoms are getting better. If he is going to kill me in a car crash, at least I will die being in love.

I really wish I didn't have these intense feelings of fear. I believe that they are not real. I am truly starting to believe Darrel loves me. Why would he say the things he does to me, continue to support me, repeatedly reassure me of his love, help me try to recover, only to be pretending.

My feelings for him are intense, and I think it's my fear of commitment, closeness, and my paranoia from being manic that hurts so badly. I cannot explain how painful this is. I don't want to.

I cried talking to the APIPA guy today on the phone. Flowers for Algernon is the only thing I can compare this disease to. You know the mania is coming.....and it's not going to be good. It's really awful.

My sister and mother truly don't understand how painful they are in my life. I'm sure I'm no picnic either. I almost wish I had died in 2003 so their lives would be better.

Fuck. Another quarter in my swear jar. Put that on Visa....

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