I don't know what it is that is strange about him or if I'm just the weirdo here, but I do love him. Truth be told, I love him more than I thought I could ever love a person. I think I was scared of all his stories and his record. I don't think that's unreasonable to be able to forget someone's past. I got in trouble in September and I'm not a troubemaker.

I'm trying to forgive myself for what I did. Yes, I tried drugs for a year or so. I hurt my friends and family because they worried about me. I did some lying to cover up being an addict. All this is so fresh and it hurts a lot. I'm in counselling and I go to groups when I can, but it still hurts knowing that I disrupted our community. If I hadn't been a good person before all this, maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty. I cannot help it, and maybe my mental illness played a large part of it. I'm trying to better understand my illness on my life today.

I just wish some of the bad shit wouldn't have happened. I know I cannot wish it all away, but I would like to face the world without this fucking bipolar disorder. It's fucking painful. It hurts!!!! And no one, unless they've gone through it can understand it. Up, down, up, down. Friends and family drop off and there's not a goddamned thing that I can do to help. I can apologize until I'm fucking blue in the face. UNless they've gone through this horrible feeling there is nothing anyone can do....feelings of such fear-self loathing-sadness FOLLOWED BY a rollercoaster ride of immense freedom- confidence-and lack of making any right decision.

Up down
over out
in out
love hate
trust fear
sleep insomnia
pain feeling nothing

It's really, really hard. Sometimes I feel nothing and sometimes the tears won't shut off.

I met Darell at a time in my life where I was getting off drugs, trying to change, and wanting love. I hope I didn't let him down too much. I love him and I hope to make him happy someday. When I'm good, I know I can make him happier.