I was watching celebrity detox and one of the problems one of the men had was that he couldn't attach to anyone and had serious fears of that because he had abandonment issues. I wonder if that is one of my problems, but it makes me think. I have a problem believing Sweets could love me because I have serious issues believing I'm lovable. Now, don't get me wrong....I think of him as so cute--he's shorter than I am, might weigh less, but is stronger physically. His voice is different because he had a cleft pallet (sp?), but I couldn't imagine a different one. That sounds stupid, but I love all that that makes him original and what makes him him.
I love his mind.
He wears the same clothes and shoe size as me, which scares me. I have fears that he might try to commit crimes and frame me for it. This man who says he loves me must think I'm wacky, but I wonder why he'd even want me with so many problems when he's only known me since the end of August.
Now, he's served his time, and he says that he's clean from drugs. He said that he'd go pick my car up from San Diego. It scares me that he can get so mad at me for being late or doing something wrong, but then go out of his way to pick up my car. I have this fear that he, Rudy, Jason, and Frank all know each other from prison. I want to believe that he wouldn't hurt me, but all of them know a lot about cars and have borrowed a great deal of money from me. All of them used crystal meth.
I know that this doesn't mean that they are bad people, but I'm starting to wonder why I'm getting all this attention from people who like cars and crystal meth and served time.
Maybe it's that they are all good people who've done bad things or perhaps it's the irrational fears that I have about not being lovable.
Maybe Darrell is involved in a chop shop or maybe he's an undercover person. I just know that whatever he is I fell for him.
I get the feeling he's deeper than I know and that's the person that I love.

Now, one of the friends I have commented to me that he wasn't sure that bipolar depression was real. He thought it was a generational thing and/or a drug and/or a sleeping issue. Regardless, I was wacky before the drugs and sleeping issues came along. I think that the lack of sleep and the depression caused the drug issues.

Still sober and confused.