I would have slept all day if I had not had so many people waking me up--David came in to check on me, Si called to make sure that I could do some things for him, and my mother called--which I took and then got up around 6 p.m. I have been quite ill--I couldn't tell if it was all mental, physical or a mixture of both. This past few weeks have been difficult for me. I got full time work, good news from teaching for next Fall, bad depression, thinking about moving to San Diego (which I've been thinking about for ages), assaulted in the Fry's parking lot, and catching whatever "this" is--exhaustion, depression, flu, pneumonia, withdraw, allergies, or whatever.
Si's parents have decided to sell the house. I don't know if the people have moved or not, but I know I did not show them that I could handle their house very well. In the past 2 weeks, things have been difficult for me. So, I need to call/email them and see what they need me to do. I hate them relaying it to Si so he can "soften" the "blow" to me. I am not that fragile, and it is irritating to be treated with kid gloves NOW when I don't need it--it was during hard times like Christmas when they un-invited me b/c of the suicide/cheating incidence. Fuck. Let this not all turn into anger because I have taken my night medications and my vitamins, and I wish to have a nice sleep.
I miss all my friends, and I feel so lonely. I am putting more and more space in between them every day. Next Friday is Lium's 1st birthday (and cinco de mayo). I couldn't care less about cinco de mayo, except for Lium. Who cares about drinking and celebrating Mexican independence over Lium? I am not happy that William is choosing to party and drink rather than celebrate his son's first birthday. I hope to show Car my support on Friday.
I have been so lonely lately. I wonder how my brother is sometimes. I worry about him sometimes. He reminds me of me in many ways; and I see that he thinks he's hiding his feelings so well--and from most people he is--but I am the queen at doing that. It takes one to know one. I wonder if he knows that I am miserable this week.
I must keep things in perspective--it's only been one REALLY bad week, and it was partially due to being ill.
Oprah's show about Africa yesterday totally freaked me out. I'm about to start a mass email to my friends, family, and acquaintances. I want to do something good in this world. If I could help one person or family it would make my life meaningful. Why can't I do that here? I know. But if I think that way, I feel like a loser or frozen to do nothing.
Again, I'm too busy wanting to be Sarah Jessica Parker on Sex and the City.
I'm going to bed.
Night.
