I just wanted to get my thoughts down while they are still fresh in my mind. I have been feeling better lately in many ways, and hearing Dallas feeling down made me reflect on the importance of friendship. He sees homeless people and injustice, and then he feels even more helpless and fragile. That is where I am changing, and it has helped me incredibly.

It has become my goal to be/do good in this world. I want to be a good friend to people, show kindness to strangers, and do random acts of kindness. Really, the saviours in my life were Simon, my dad, my mom, and my friends from the hospital (and then from the art class supplied to me by VO). Thus, my life has to mean something. I have to help in some way--making someone laugh, helping, talking, working with and around people who need help, and being a model for others. I know I have love to give, and I know the world is better with me in it.

All that being said, I think I convinced Dallas that even what we consider small things can change a life or the world. Start small and pan out. Keep your soul and do what you can. What else can you do? I hope and pray that he feels better.

And Bill. What can I say about him? The hospital released him, and I am scared for him. He says he'll check himself into the PRC, and I hope I can believe that. I want normalcy for him and his children and mom/dad.

My friends in art class--W, P, RV, D, RM, L, and our teacher help me out too. I know there are many others that I like, but it's so late that names are not coming easy at this hour. They are in my hopes and prayers--I don't believe in God, but I believe it's possible that something/someone (even if it's me) hears them and blesses their lives. How do you tell everyone in the class that they helped me start to want to live.

And then two strangers, asking for nothing in return, make me a new skin for my boring diary. And I'm trying little by little to learn about the internet and computers. See, good people are all around us. Sometimes we see them, sometimes they see us, and sometimes we change lives.

Simon is a much better man than I ever knew about. He continues to enrich my life by giving me shelter, my brother shelter, and having his parent run their rental house. That's putting in faith, where I have not always pulled through. Now, after we have broken up, I see things clearer. But there are no do-overs in life (well, maybe there is). If I could do it all over again:
*I'd majored in psych and sociology, and then maybe nursing.
*I would have been better towards DVD, my ex-husband. This man had a heart of gold, but I wanted to experience life down a different path. I would have been able to keep his friendship if I hadn't pulled so much shit off and lied so much to cover up the fact that we weren't married. I was dating Simon for a year while I was married (but seperated and divorcing). Shame wouldn't have kept me from the truth.
*I'd kept in better touch with my friends from ASU and PU.
*Suzanne. She meant so much to me, and I never let her know. I wanted to touch her, hold her, and kiss her. I still regret not pulling her back inside my house for some meaningful relations...instead of the small kiss by the car.
*I would have saw in Michael a future, and let our relationship mean a lot, yet I'd have been less dependent and demanding. It's a shame to have pushed someone like him away because we had so many interests in common and I was in love with him. If we met again, I think he'd be surprised at my independence. I still have love for him, but now I do not see/hear from him often. He was charming, funny, and attractive.
*I wouldn't have dated "fluff" in between people. Six months of being drunk wasn't good, but it was an experience that I'm almost glad I had. Brad was a nice person, and he treated me kindly.
*Simon. Thinking of him now chokes me up. When two people love each other, they should understand that forgiveness is necessary, and that we're put on this Earth to learn from each other. I've learned so much from him--some bad, but overall he was a good partner for five years. He stuck by me in the hospital, he defends me still, and he remains in my heart.
*Putting my friends and family in such a bad place--gosh, I think I nearly killed my mom when I was hospitalized. I take her for granted sometimes. She was a good mom--still is, and I want her to live forever. My Dad and I became closer and his side of the family embraced me more. Again, out of this disturbing action I tried, things worked out and I am closer to my father than I have ever been, and my brother lives behind me here. It's hard to take that back. And it might have made me understand and love people--a much wider scope than I've ever had. I'm sorry that my lesson came at such a hard price for my parents, Simon and his parents, and for my friends.
*I don't know if writing any of this out is important, because there are many things I'd like to have done better, been nicer, or tried harder. I have learned from these experiences, and love will flurish. I am loved now, and I hope each person knows how much it has helped me to know that.

Wow, this is getting long, and it's now nearing 3 a.m. (I must be lonely...), and I started this at 2:22.

What I hope to have people think about is how much each and everyone of us has influence on this planet. Peace, trust, faith, patience, kindness, forgiveness, and love is what we have been blessed with.

I still cannot fully understand this world, and knowing I am in a warring country hurts me personally. I hurt and long for a time that people no longer diminish the importance of life.
And to think.....just a couple of weeks ago after seeing the movie Jarhead, I nearly died of a broken heart.