I'm watching television. Opera is on, there are supermodels on, and she is doing make-overs. Television comercials are on telling me that to add spice in my life I should buy a Toyota. I might not understand, but isn't it weird that we cannot feel good about ourselves unless we are models (beautiful on the outside) and to feel excitement in our lives we should buy things like oversized vehicles? Oh--Opera's new book that she says folks should read is A Million Little Pieces. If I don't read this book cannot my life be whole.
And I need to eat food at the Village in. There are fattening foods presented, cakes, etc. I don't feel like I want to live such a life, but I feel pressure. I don't need anything really. Right now I have a place to stay, an over abundance of clothes and shoes, and plenty of food to eat. I have a car that is 8-years-old, and I am completely happy with her (I named her Trinity). I am teaching, but not making enough money to live on my own or buy a home yet, and I like it. I wish the pay was better; other than that, I have a life that I should be satisfied with. I think I am too influenced by the television. Really, I should get rid of it. In college, I didn't watch television, and that was the happiest time I can remember. I should go back and rethink what I did right back then.
I still have so many wants. I wish to take that want away. I want new furniture, but no cash to buy it. I want shoes, and do not need more (blame that on my watching Sex and the City). I am an artist; thus I like everything to look the way I want it to--someway in an orderly way that I think it should look. I believe some of it is attributed to my watching too much TV.
I am still depressed, but by sleeping last night, I feel better. I also went outside and got some sun. I might do that again and go back to sleep.
Art tomorrow? Maybe. I want to, but I feel too ugly to leave my house. I am stupid for this type of thinking. Do it anyway in fear....
WHAT ABOUT OUR INSIDES? We might be wonderful and beautiful on the inside. That is the most important thing, isn't it? A few of my students came to me to tell me that I changed their lives--one with an alcohol problem and the other with serious depression. That made such an impact on me. I love my students. I hope for the best for all of you.
