My calling should have been music. It's so important these days in my life. With Rob Thomas, I can lay all my troubles on him. With Linkin' Park I can scream the words I've been needing to say for many, many years.

Really, I haven't a fucking clue in life. I know that I want to help others (besides teaching), and I want to stop hating myself. It's just so hard. My brain is clutter. Genuinely, I fear myself, and I am so scared for people who believe they see something in me. I am so lost, changed, unchanged, sadist, massochist, lover, hater, and longing to be good. I just am not.

Linkin' Park is on....Nothing to gain, hollow and alone, and the fault is my own and the fault is my own. I want to find somewhere I belong.....I wanna heal, I wanna feel, I wanna let go of this pain I felt so long, I wanna feel like I somewhere I belong.

I'm completely choked up. The sadness sleeps in my esophagus and lungs. God damnit, would someone please help Chet? Fuck, he's so lonely and in the worst pain. I almost want to call 911 to get him help. I don't know. He used to make me laugh all night long, and he would make me watch weird stuff on TV. He also had a ton of porn, which made me laugh. Shit, he has photos of me, Jenn, and Berna looking through them! Where are those photos? They must be 6-years-old! Also, he has photos of me and my mom walking in the park. I wish he'd develop them. I'm very patient....or I assume he's lost them, posted them on the internet, or just has the roles undeveloped somewhere. Anyhow, I wish good things for him.

I'm too impulsive. I could be an IV drug user, homeless, and dirty in a week if I wasn't careful.

Well, today is SVU Law and Order night. And I've lots of papers and tests to grade. Goody, I get to be watched/graded by my boss tomorrow too. SOMUCHFUNTHATWILLBE. I wonder if they do that every semester to every instructor. WHATIFTHATDETERMINESWHOGETSANOFFICEAND WHODOESN'T????????
I could get nervous. But not just yet. If I get to sleep at an honest hour, I'll be okay. My art class tomorrow......ah....ick....my work has been terrible.

Red Hot Chili Peppers are on....and I MUST shake my booty to it.