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lollipops & vultures
2005-04-19 @ 3:02 p.m.

I was thinking of writing one word to describe each day or way I'm feeling, and that way I wouldn't have to write as much or feel self-conscious about the way that I write. Too much pressure on just one solid word everyday.
Yesterday I was at my friend Dallas' house. He makes me laugh. God I love him. I'm scared he won't be around much longer as his thoughts of suicide are continual. He smokes like a chimney, his eating and exercise habits need to change. I believe that changing one or two of the above things would make his life considerably better. His birthday is tomorrow, and his daughter's birthdays were this week. Meghan turned 14 and Alina turned 20. I worry about his kids, and I so wish I could adobt them and show them a different life, but I am also mentally ill. I don't want them seeing me ill either. Dallas thinks he's a burder on them, me, and his friends; boy, do I ever understand how he is thinking (as I once thought that way too). He needs to move and be around people. Look at me, giving advice.
Thursday I hope to pass my oral defense at school and move on to the realm of masters student.
I am looking forward to being trained and helping others, I love my art class, and I am starting to feel happy.
I do feel happy--worn out but happy.

Recipe for :) --
-one cat
-one fold out couch in front of the TV
-less stress than anyone will actually have, except for those with money
-oh, money
-a car
-CDs
-being able to turn your cell phone off because "they can take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!"
-like an activity, or appreciate talents of others, but not too envious
-a shower that has a strong rush of water, good conditioner, and Neutragena bar (or liquid) body soap
-like buying others' gifts
-desire
-lust
-passion
-sex
-not having to have all the above things to be happy
-a quite place
-a job that you kinda like
-getting enough sleep
-Actually being with the one you love
-Being needed by the one you love--but not too needy
-liking good books
-liking to step in the grass
-ignoring pine trees that grow all over the desert and have no business being here
-having good family relationships
-writing people by hand; not email!
-small acts of kindness--wonderful idea

I have too many wants than needs:
car
CDs
clothes
status
to be pretty
someone to love me

Well, I am stalling, I need to get my butt to the ASU Library!

Dallas and his Sarah McGlaughlan lyrics--I'm not sure he should be listening to this over and over.

Spend all your life waiting
for a break that would make things okay
...always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day.
I need some distraction,
Oh beautiful these, memories run through my brain
In this sweet madness
Glorious sadness
brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel, fly away from here
In this darkhole
hotel room
and the endlessness that you feel
You were pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reveree
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some confort here
-------
the part he identifies with (and I sometimes too)
*these vultures and thieves at your back*

and then Goddamnit, his fucking car got stolen. Fuck that person(s). He has no way to get around. FUCKING BAD PEOPLE!!!! I hope there is a silver lining to his story. I am scared for him.

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