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jenny craig
2005-04-04 @ 7:42 p.m.
Okay, it's been nearly 2 months since I've written, and I've had much to say. I have been tense, sick, and productive these two months.
I'm nearly finished with my thesis, unless I plan to sabotage that too. I've alienated people that I love and don't know how to repair things. I care, but I am too busy and ill to do anything about it.
My car died. $2700 to fix. I'm trapped...not that I'd want to go out. I look terrible-down to 95 pounds. My skin no longer shines, and I don't want anyone to see me in this state. I've been hospitalized, and I don't know that I should have been let out. I want to die and live at the same time. I thought of a new way to die--I never even thought of hanging myself. Sometimes I think of how weak and stupid I'm being, and that I want to work and do something to make a difference in the world. Sometimes I want a family and to live a rigorous life. And then, I feel like this--tired, weak, sick, lonely, and ugly.
I don't know if I'll get better, and that scares me. I am doing worse than I am telling anyone. I am scared. I don't want people to know.
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