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jellyfish
2003-08-02 @ 12:34 a.m.

I'm in Cape May, and this is the last night here. After this, I must return to my life where things are all amuck and fantastic at the same time.

I've a bit of a tan from jogging on the beach. There were so many jellyfish just stuck there in the sand, dying or already dead from something. It added to my fear of the ocean. On my run, I decided that I am something/someone between the character Amelie or Julianne Moore in The Hours or in Magnolia. I'm manic, and I know it. Last night I took sleeping pills and drank too much rum. I blacked out and hit my left eye and forehead on something. This is the second blackout I've had in the last month.

Life feels wonderful and horrible at the same time. Love and Hate. Beauty and ugly. Juxtopositioned next to one another. Everything is. I've been writing with fragment sentences, and I do not care. I understand it, and it explains my thought process as of late.

I saw a movie called 28 Days Later, which disturbed me. I felt sick to my stomach, and later that night I dreamed that I was pregnant with a vampire. It was a social commentary that was hard to take. I don't know if it was a good or bad movie or if it adds some social commentary that will do someone somewhere some good. I don't know. It definitely made an impact on me.

I don't know where I'm going with my life right now. I'm scared and I'm not. I do not have a job, and I do not know where I will live or how I will live in a few months from now. I've thought about killing myself a lot. I want to make a difference to the world so badly though, so I cannot do it. I must donate bone marrow, my love, my time, my blood, and my friendship. I must influence others to stop killing animals and people. When I feel like I am failing, I feel like killing myself because I am not good enough. Running 6 miles today made me feel good enough. I need to run.

We have to wake up early and clean the house up, so I should end this entry. I do not know where I will be a month from now, but I have changed internally. I am a different person from 2 weeks ago. I hope to continue growing.

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