I need to go pick up my manuscript from Dr. V. The feedback that she's given me via the internet has been pretty positive. I'm looking forward to plowing ahead on this thing and getting it done.Sim and I were in a bad place last night. I'm not happy going out drinking, gambling, and clubbing. That's not me. I like so many things, and I need to focus on improving myself rather than saving him. I don't want him drinking and driving. This really bothers me. It makes me feel like crap. And when he drinks he says mean things to me. If I bite my tongue we don't get into a huge argument, but it's really hard for me. I know he doesn't remember half of the stuff he says or does, but it still hurts. He should take ownership of his problem and fix it. I need to let go. It's not that I don't care. I care very much, but it is tearing me apart. His promise to go to AA has yet to be fulfilled. He makes all kinds of promises when it comes to drinking. I don't want him to fail. I don't want him to kill someone drinking and driving. I don't want him to get hurt. I love him so much. I want to protect him from everything, but I just can't. This is smothering and mothering. I don't want to be a mother to him. I want his friendship.
The things that I'm working on:
1. my thesis
2. exercising--I'm running, walking, and lifting weights. I want to lose 5 pounds by May. This is doable.
3. paying off the credit cards
4. finding a decent paying job that is interesting
5. being open to new things
I think if I can fix myself, things will get better.
The things I'm looking forward to:
1. Being in good shape. I'm playing basketball, and I'm trying to get into good shape again. I look forward to hiking and not feeling like death afterwards.
2. Learning to cook. Since I'm trying not to spend so much money, I need to eat in more. It gives Sim and myself quality time in while eating healthier and cheaper!
3. Having my thesis done and being able to teach again! I miss it so much. I am looking forward to saying that I conquered that thing.
4. Shopping without guilt. I don't want to charge anything. I want to have more spending freedom on things that I want, which usually include music cds and clothes. I wouldn't mind a few pieces of furniture.
I have lots of things to look forward to.
Last night I saw The Hours. It was so good. Virginia Wolf is insightful. I felt so emotional after the film.
Now, I need to exercise, clean up, pick up my thesis, work, and then come home to clean up. Tonight is mardi gras. Simon is looking forward to it. I will go in with a positive attitude. He seems fragile, but he can always cure that with a few adult beverages. I hope that we don't argue. I will not argue with him no matter what tonight. I will bite my tongue. I will not even assume that we will fight. I don't want to live that way.
