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Play that funky music
2002-05-08 @ 10:26 a.m.
Things are in disarray for Sim and me. I think I'm starting to pull myself up, while Simon is nosediving. He's feeling pressure, and he puts most of it on himself. I think he's only happy when he's taken on far too much. He carries the weight of the world. I know, because I do too. I look for the worst case scenario, I am scared, and I have been too negative. Living in fear and being tense has taken its toll on both me and Simon. Now, it's happening to him. Helping him become the man he is today took a lot out of me. While I did help him in many ways, I have hurt us both in just as many. I cannot be his mom and his girlfriend. It's just not desirable to me or to him. There is a large part of him that wants to be mothered, and I can easily fill that role, but it turns me into MY OWN MOTHER! She was controlling and angry and depressed. I don't want to be that person. I love my mother, but I don't want to be her. I want to be me. I'm happy. I'm loving. I'm not an argument waiting to happy. I'm not tense all the time. I let go of things; things bounce off of me. I am strong. I'm certainly more funny than Simon gives me credit for. I cannot, however, cook well. That's beside the point. I can learn to cook. The point is what? I am coming out of a funk that I've been in since last year. I'm pulling out of it and pulling myself together. It doesn't take much to put myself back together because I'm resilient. I want to help Simon get out of his funk, but I'm not going to mother him. I'm going to support him in any way I can, but being a bit funky for a while may just well be what he needs. Whether or not we stay in Arizona or whether or not we will move is still up in the air. I've given notice at my apartment complex, so we're probably at least moving from Sienna at Riverview. I like it here. It's been good to me. It's classy. Alright, I'm going to eat. I had to fast last night to give a blood sample this morning. I'm STARVING!
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